Pulling yourself out of the darkness

Back in April 2020, I had COVID, and everything hit me all at once on my 40th birthday. I sat in the bath alone that morning and just cried- for what reason I wasn’t sure. It was getting harder and harder to just smile at my husband (who I was quarantined with) and pretend everything was okay with me.

I’m not sure if it was COVID, or just the collective grief of the world bearing down on me all at once, or both. So, how do you pull yourself out of the darkness, when there is no one there to help because you smile like everything is okay?

I don’t think there is one answer to that question- we are all programmed differently- but I do think the first step for me was realizing I had some healing to do, and I was going to have to be the one to put in the time and do the work. Another person wasn’t the answer, and ignoring it definitely wasn’t the answer.

The next day or two (I can’t remember exactly), a friend and mentor who taught me Reiki in San Diego years back called and we spoke for over an hour. Maybe she knew or maybe she didn’t, but just her calling and speaking to me about how hard things were (for us and in the world) helped me tremendously, and I started to work on myself a little at a time. I used Reiki, both from others and myself, daily healing and grounding exercises, and entrainment to bring joy back into my life. It took months, but I was committed to feeling better, and I could feel improvement every single day. Now I wake up each day with gratitude and joy- and I Know I can handle the worst that life throws at me, because I have worked to heal myself from past trauma. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be bad days, or moments when overwhelming feelings emerge- but it Does mean I know where they are coming from and how to handle them now, because I have Listened to myself and done the inner work necessary to heal.

The key is not exactly what you do though, it’s that you are doing Something to heal. Showing up for yourself and making time for self-love, reflection, meditation. No one else is going to do this for you. You are the answer. You don’t have to spend tons of money and be trained in everything under the sun, you just have to start with YOU. Believe that you Deserve to be happy, healthy, whole. And if you do find you need help beyond yourself to get started, this is okay too, don’t afraid to reach out and ask for it.

Love and light,


Self Portraits in my Boudoir Studio on my birthday in April. The first photo is how I felt that day, and the second photo is how I wished I felt.

Published by Kelly Jett Gawaran- K Tantra

I am a Tantra Counselor and Intuitive Healer in San Diego, California, who helps spiritual and sensitive women go into the deepest layers of their healing so they can live without anxiety and pain. Although I am a Tantrika and Reiki practitioner, one-on-one sessions with me are so much more. It is my belief that we actually don’t need to be fixed, only to remember who we are. So, it’s more of an opening to the wisdom of the universe to tell me what each person needs to remember their divine nature. Some examples I may use during client sessions include: shamanic timeline work, or trapped emotions removal, certain codes or symbols, an upgrade, breathwork, a certain meditation (which is usually extemporaneous), reiki/energy shifting, toning on the chakras. or maybe some tantric movement or sound. It's all in what each soul is asking for, I just hear the message and help guide them to their own wisdom. My absolute favorite is when someone starts to feel and realize their own magic and divine nature! 🥰

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: