“What is standing in the way of you teaching Tantra right now?” I saw the question lingering in front of me like one of those thought-bubble clouds. It was a question to the group, but now I had a chance to investigate, to go inside and really feel into it. The answer came immediately in my mind without hesitation “Nothing!”
It felt good to get this answer, but I knew there was more. What was there before? What had I pushed past to get here? It was something I hadn’t considered or made myself aware of, and I was intrigued. What did I move past to find this confidence? Doubt? Fear? Maybe these were there, but I think the whole “Not feeling good enough” was the strongest feeling to shift. This “unworthiness” was something learned or conditioned- not my authentic self, not my truest expression of me. Our true self, our soul, knows no limits.
But how exactly had I cleared this feeling? I know it wasn’t overnight. And while I can’t pinpoint the exact precise moments, I can narrow it down a bit. There was a long collection of moments, actions and discoveries that led to me knowing deep down in my should that I was completely worthy, that I was meant to heal, and that I had all of the knowledge inside of me already.
The first had to be my experience in India studying Raja yoga. I felt connected to source in ways that I will never be able to explain in words. There are temples there in the middle of nowhere, where you climb mountains for hours to get to, and there you feel this connection almost as if it were a solid object. (As an aside- There are men that live in these sacred temples that live well into their 200s, even 300s…) This was really the first deep dive into feeling and knowing that we are all connected to God.
The second was a self-love tantra training in Guatemala that really opened my eyes to the fact that for years I had been seeking fulfillment and happiness outside of myself, rather than truly loving who I was and creating my own happiness. (Which we are All capable of, it just takes a while or sometimes many many lifetimes to realize this).
This is where I truly started the self-love practices that would build up and start to send my mind, body and soul messages of love rather than fear. Morning gratitude rituals, sending love to my body, regular meditation, breathwork, grounding and clearing practices to protect my energy, yoga, walking in nature, drinking tea, eating nourishing food (this was the one thing I already had going for me from before). My body was starting to trust Me again. I was making good choices for it, listening to it, nurturing it. I started calling in this energy of love and abundance in my life. Attracting the experiences that would continue to shape me.
Then another tantra training, this time with females only. This was an even safer space for me, a 8-day intensive with women from all walks of life and with so many different energies. At first it was overwhelming, but I eventually learned to embrace the lessons I would received from witnessing these beautiful souls and being able to hold space for every form of energy I encountered. I had a huge download during one of the tantra exercises, a message. I felt like the whole basis for my entire life and how I reacted to people and situations was completely shifted. I felt energy as Energy, without having to label it as good or bad or give it any designation. I welcomed it in, embraced it, the energy of the universe. I accepted it, it was more than “good enough” and it was worthy in my eyes. At this moment I truly saw myself accepting Me as worthy, as good enough. I am part of the divine, I am energy, I am beautiful and flawed and every single part of me is welcome. I AM that I AM.
And still now, I am in another training. Because growth is So important as a tantrika, as a healer, as a spiritual being. Keep moving, keep shifting, keep growing and learning. You will find that which you seek inside of yourself. ❤
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